Marriage Success

When a Child Wants to Help...

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is not recognizing when a child wants to help. Being in small bodies, they are not going to offer the same kind of help that a fully grown person does, but they will make the effort. And when that effort is not recognized AND acknowledged, then the child will start to "help" in ways you don't appreciate.

I've seen this with my own eyes: A child around two years old is sitting in a shopping cart. He takes an item from the cart and tries to place it on the conveyor belt to the cashier. The unaware mom stops the child from doing this and says, "that's okay, honey, I'll take care of that." Unfortunately, I've seen too many moms yell at their child for attempting this. Perhaps the mom is worried the child will drop the item. Perhaps the mom is in a hurry. Perhaps the mom is just stressed out.

Now we turn to the mom who sees this seemingly insignificant act as a real effort on the child's part to HELP. The child wants to contribute in some way. She's small, but she can grab onto some item in the shopping cart and TRY to get that item onto the conveyor belt. The smart mom observes what is happening and let's the child complete this act of contribution. If the child is having difficulty pulling it off, the mom helps out in a way that allows the child to still take "ownership" of the help that's being offered.

When the helpful act is accomplished, the mom gives the child a very hearty thank you (and maybe even a hug). The child gets that her help is appreciated and will continue to deliver this kind of help in the future. Parents allow the child to complete these acts of help and acknowledge the child each time for doing so.

As mentioned earlier, the child who has this line of help and contribution cut off by the mom or the dad (or siblings) will find other ways to "help." The child will do things that are a bit (or very) destructive. This will certainly get a response. Not the response the parent or the child really wants, but a response nevertheless.

Give your child the freedom to contribute and you will be doing your child (and your marriage) a great service.

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More ideas on bringing up children in my book When the Thrill Is Gone.

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The Advantages of Sleeping On It...

You and your husband are upset about something. What advantages are there to sleeping on it?

I'd have to say...none.

If you and your spouse are in the middle of an upset, it's worth the extra effort to try to resolve it before heading off to bed. For a few reasons:

1. You'll get much better sleep if the upset is behind you.


2. Though some upsets will "fade away" with time, many do just the opposite. They linger and can have a negative impact on other areas of life.


3. Upsets (even minor ones) that are allowed to accumulate can put unnecessary strain on the marriage.


4. If there are kids, whether they view the upset(s) directly or not, they are affected by them.

Sometimes we're just too tired to sit down and resolve an upset before going to bed, but any effort you (and your spouse) make on this kind of thing can be very helpful. Even if all you do is look each other in the eye and say, "hey, I know we're upset but I think the world of you. Let's agree to fix this tomorrow for sure." — that's far better than sleeping on it. And a fast hug or kiss wouldn't hurt.

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Outside Influences

While driving around town a few days ago, I heard a radio talk show host give a woman advice that was so off-the-wall, I figured I'd mention it here as a good example of "outside influences."

The talk show host is well known, has a national audience and his subject is money and finances. (I won't mention his name, as that part of the story is not that important). A woman calls all excited to talk to the host and says her fiance wants a pre-nuptial. She says he's got a handful of old cars that are treasured collectibles and apparently he doesn't want to lose them if the marriage goes sour.

The woman explains a bit more about her fiance, that he's been in school for awhile, learning a craft and the talk show host jumps in and goes on for about five minutes about how big a mistake the woman is making by going ahead with the marriage! He even tells her that if you were my daughter that, "I'd do everything in my power to make sure you didn't marry this guy!" He uses this five minutes to severely criticize the woman's fiance.

Now I realize this is a more-than-obvious example of an "outside influence" but this woman started off the conversation with a fiance she loved dearly and a minor concern about the pre-nup and as the talk show host worked her over for those five minutes you could see that she was starting to feel different about her fiance.

And I also realize this woman most likely should NOT have called the show to get "advice" about her fiance AND whatever advice he gave she should NOT have let it affect her. But unfortunately these kinds of things can and do happen.

If you (or your spouse) are talking to a friend or another family member about your spouse and you receive advice that is derogatory in some way, realize the potential exists that you'll leave that conversation with less affinity for your spouse. You may have had good intentions going into that conversation, perhaps wanting to air some concerns you have, but you have to be aware of the fact that someone outside of your marriage has the potential to reduce the love and affection one spouse has for the other.

Sometimes a marriage is being hurt by a hidden outside influence. This person is not immediately obvious to the husband or wife. In my book, When the Thrill Is Gone, a procedure is given to locate a hidden, negative influence on a marriage. Locating such a source of trouble can bring tremendous relief to a marriage.

Having an awareness of "outside influences" as a factor in your marriage can be very helpful.

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One Very Easy Way to Improve Communication...

If you and your spouse are not in good communication with each other, there are a number of ways to improve the communication, but here is a very simple approach: talk to your spouse about things that are VERY REAL to him/her.

Each spouse has a number of subjects that are "very real" to them. It might be work-related,  a favorite sport, a particular political view, maybe even a sibling that one spouse spends a lot of time with. If you've been together for even a short time, you pretty much know what these subjects are.

If you're the wife and you'd like to take that first step to improve communication, discuss subjects with your husband that he has a good bit of "reality" on. If you do this, your husband's willingness to communicate will be higher than before. Keep it sincere along this line and you will eventually see an increased willingness to communicate about other subjects (recent upsets perhaps).

People find it very easy to talk about things that are very real to them. When the level of communication in your marriage drops, talk to your spouse about these very real subjects first and you'll have taken a simple and effective step to raising the level of communication.

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Purpose of This Blog

The purpose of this blog is to help YOUR marriage succeed. I define a "successful marriage" in this way:

• The husband and wife are in superb communication with each other.


• They are able to use communication to resolve disagreements; upsets do not linger.


• They thoroughly enjoy each other's company and are eager to spend time with each other.


• Both partners are creating a future together.


• The passion and excitement is at a high level.

This blog provides ideas, tools and advice to help you achieve every one of the above. And because a successful marriage depends on our children doing well, we'll provide very useable tips to help you with the kids. 

You may have noticed I didn't mention the sexual aspect of a marriage. We will certainly address this important subject. However, after 25 plus years of helping people with their marriages, I made a very interesting observation: To the degree a husband and wife are in genuine communication with each other, to that degree the sexual aspect improves. The key part of that last statement was GENUINE COMMUNICATION. Not sort of communicating. Not communicating because they have to. Real communication moving easily between both partners. Much more on this in future posts.

Having a successful marriage is incredibly important. Yet over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. And many married couples painfully continue on with an unhappy marriage.

Why does a marriage start out so bright, so full of hope and promise and over time lose its  passion and excitement? Do people just "fall out of love?"

These and many other questions about marriage will be answered on this blog. I realize that's a bold statement, so let me make a suggestion: Become familiar with the tools and advice we offer here. Look over the different posts and see if they give you new insights.  Read some of the articles (available on the left side of the blog). These articles will be updated weekly, so feel free to bookmark this site (a bookmark button is available on the right side of the blog, near the top). If you are familiar with subscribing to a blog, the subscribe button is also near the top on the right side.

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Having a successful marriage is incredibly important.

We can help.

Yours,

Stan Dubin

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